Hello and welcome to meters pod episode 15. I'm your host D
Mitas. For this episode we're bringing you it's my funeral
from Pauline Pauline her as a writer of short stories, short
plays and novels. She's a former Sydney journalist currently
writing a series of young adult books involving time travel.
That sounds right up my alley. She lives in Sydney with her
husband, her twin daughters and twin pugs. You can find more of
her short stories on our website, Pauling Turner
writes.com. That's Pauline with an E. There'll be a link in the
show notes. Telling this tale will be Andy wells. Eliza
Reddington Jo monsell Cecilia Ramsdale Thomas G. Burt. Cassie
Aldridge. Celeste Notley Smith, Callie Newcomb, Lucy homes.
Brett Carol, and Rhiannon Bateman. There'll be links in
the show notes to each of our actors as well as the author.
Just visit Munis pod.com Without further ado, here's our story
Oh, man, that was the mother of all nights out. What a headache.
I can't remember much about it. Must have been a great night.
But where am I? In a place with dark carpets? velvety wallpaper,
fussy gold mirrors. Some woman's house I suppose. A sexy baby who
whisked me back to her place for a nightcap and I've game of hide
the sausage. was at the surfer chick from Bondi and the Bailey
their bikini. Talk about hot and the way she wrote those waves. A
bit of fun to mirror to see how bad I look and whether I need a
shower. Tanja hate it when the girl gets a first peek at you in
the daylight and throws up. That's weird. A trick mirror
that shows everything in the room, but not your reflection.
Cool. This girl has a sense of humor. I'm wearing blue board
shorts, but I can't see my shirt anywhere. We must have gone
partying straight from the beach or cracked open the icebox on
the sand and got stuck in early. Sweet. And it would explain why
I don't remember much. I can't wait for Tom to tell me what
happened. I'm scratching my head trying to guess which one of the
three closed doors might be the bathroom when an older woman in
a black suit barrels pass followed by of all people mum
and dad to say I'm shocked doesn't come close. Who wants to
be caught by their parents in situ in flagrante, as Tom would
say he's a wanker with words but not a bad blog for a lawyer.
Mom, Dad, I say they ignore me and follow the woman through the
left door. Must be bad when your parents won't speak to you. I
can't help grinning at 29 I thought I was slowing down
getting old and boring. Good to know. I'm still a party animal
who can still gross his parents out. I wonder who the lucky lady
was not that old girl was it? Is that one my parents look grim.
She'd be 50 If she's a day still wouldn't say no to all that
experience. Another woman walks by mid 20s Pale blond hair and
wispy white dress carrying a clipboard. And when she smiles
she has a real twinkle going on. That must be my girl. I grin and
wink, though I have absolutely no memory of her. But how on
earth could anyone forget a smokin babe like that? Blondie
heads into the room with the others and signals me to join
them be weird but where she goes, I can't help but follow
who? We we're in an office with serious furniture and a framed
embroidery reading. Love never dies. The old woman Vera,
according to her nametag talks in low tones. My parents not and
listen, Mom sniffles she seems upset about something. Mom,
what's wrong? Hot Stuff touches a finger at her lips.
How can I make a decision like this? says Mum, it's too much.
There are three plots available, says Vera
passing some papers to dad.
One has an ocean view. That's the premium option.
We want that one says Mum Griffin loved the beach. Is she
buying me some land with a view of Bondi what a generous mum,
the woman in white scribble something on a clipboard and
smiles at me. She's impressed. I can tell all that love and
generosity who wouldn't be
why does he need a view says Dad what's the budget option? It's a
very nice
plot says Vera squinting through business under a
note tree next to a gentleman who was a father of three
divorced and she clears her throat am a serial killer. My
boy can't risk next to a serial
killer, says mom. He was a crime reporter says Dad, he'd probably
find it exciting. We'll take it.
We've got an opening for a funeral tomorrow at 4pm says
Vera Does that suit
funeral. Mom Dad who died
Don't look at me but the blonde does and shakes her head in that
get with the program why so many girls have done during my
lifetime? Lifetime, which it seems is at an end. After
breathing into a paper bag for a full five minutes I gasp so I'm
dead. The ghost but how? Last time I looked. I was in great
shape. Well, not bad. I wasn't at death's door anyway. Blonde
refers to her notes.
It seems you're drowned on Bondi Beach? Water. It was unusually
big sir. A girl with a very small bikini expressed fear
about entering the water. You said you loved danger. And this
was nothing compared to the waves you'd buddy served in
Hawaii.
She flicks through the pages, which is
strange as there's no record of you ever having been to Hawaii
are careless with the truth. Oh, a Griffin.
She asks Penn poised? Well, I'm a journalist, but I don't let
the truth gets in the way of a good story. I see. She makes
more notes. I'm starting to hate the sound of her pen scraping
against the board. Can I ask who are you?
You can call me angel.
She says short for Angelique.
Just Angel. I'm an assessment officer for inbetweeners.
Like you a tweener? What's that? Most people
clearly belong upstairs or down? But a small group Hava somewhere
around the middle. We have to decide where to put you.
Oh my fucking god. Sorry. I mean, gracious. What a
conundrum. She makes more notes. At 4pm The next day, a group of
about 30 people I know gather around a grave. Mine I suppose.
Everyone looks sad. Mum sobs into dad's chest. Tom is glassy
eyed and quiet which is weird as I've never seen him not joking
around. Ruby my best friend since school has a new black
dress on which looks great on her with a golden hair. Though
her face is a mess. Black Eye Makeup streaking down her cheeks
like a horror film Extra. I'm touched by their motion. Angel
takes more notes. A casket sits in the grave. It's made of
cardboard with a beach scene printed on it. It's actually
pretty cool. But I know because I wrote a story about it once
it's a cheaper option than a wooden casket. Three guesses who
chose that? Does the amount spent on the funeral have any
bearing on my final destination? I asked Angel some. Thanks again
dad. A few family friends are here and a girl I was dating
casually Cherie, plus a group from the office. There's my
boss, Julianne who's like a second mother to me and keeps
deodorant razors and a new shirt in her bottom drawer in case of
emergencies. There are a couple of women I dated who gave me the
let's be friends treatment. My arch rival is there to Lucien
the city reporter. The guy's a total sleaze who lies and cheats
to get what he wants. Well, I do that too, I suppose. But he's
worse. Once he was interviewing a grieving mother, and when she
went off to make him a coffee, He nicked a photo of her dead
daughter. It was a low act. Quite a good turnout. Says
Angel.
I'll add 15% Because it's a weekday.
So when it comes to funerals, size is important.
Well, of course, though, we'll pretend it's not.
And how close am I to going upstairs?
Let's see how it goes here. And at the week, Shelby
Tom makes a good speech about me mentioning the bingo calling I
do at my nan's nursing home and my literacy work with
underprivileged kids, which is really just hanging out with
some cool kids and correcting their spelling occasionally.
Angel twinkles at that. Thankfully, he doesn't do his
usual top 10 Vomit stories or mentioned the naked swim at
SeaWorld at the end of high school. As the first handful of
dirt is sprinkled onto the casket and Ruby steps forward
and throws a red rose into the grave. She looks more broken up
than I've ever seen her. I really wish I could console her
angel has something like a lipstick tube which she points
at people. What's that?
An emotion gauge it measures units of genuine sadness.
Everyone is still in serious but most dried cry you buggers. I
want to yell the wake is held at my local pub. The stone crow
monbulk the entire back section, which is like a French garden.
Many of my favorite snacks are laid out. Mushroom arancini,
calamari, pizza, zucchini fries, and there's an open bar. Can you
limit people to three drinks that whispers to the barman?
They can pay for their own after that
angel overhears and makes notes. What you have to understand, I
say is the dad can't help being frugal. It's no indication of
the degree of His love or anything. It's just that he
comes from a poor family. They were so poor all of his school
shoes had holes in them.
Interesting, says Angel, though I'm not seeing any whole issues
in my records.
So dad made up that story to justify being cheap for his
whole life. Seriously. The family friends have a drink or
two a few nibbles and go on their way. But my office and
school buddies settle in for the night. Tom sits at the bar with
a large vodka. Cheers, mate. He says raising his glass.
I'll miss your ugly mug. He made me look good.
You too, mate. I say Tom chokes on his sip and looks around
freaked. Can you hear me? I asked Angel.
When people have a special bone, some low level interzone
transmission is possible. A bit like an echo or a breeze.
leucine hits the food table pops to Aaron cine in his mouth and
after a sneaky look around with his lizard eyes slips a few more
in his pocket. Bloody thief. Not that I blame him. Urine cine
here to die for our cruise around shamelessly eavesdropping
on conversations grave. He was the best says one woman I dated.
And the worst, says the other. Like a puppy
who weaves on your carpet. He's annoying, but you can't help
liking him.
If only he could be needed to.
Okay heard enough there. Cherie reveals her role as the Grieving
girlfriend. Griffin could have been the love of my life. She
tells the group with a dramatic sigh never know. Not a word of
it is true. The pair of us didn't really gel. We both knew
it. Then again, though I love women. And not just like that. I
have more female friends and males. I've never really gelled
with anyone romantically. Not quite sure why that is or was
While angels attention is elsewhere. I do what any red
blooded male ghost would do. Check out cleavage. There's
Olivia, the office secretary and her heavenly mangoes. She's
talking to Jeanette who is a more like beach balls. perfectly
spherical. Like can't be real. When I hit into the ladies loose
I follow. I've always wondered what goes on in there. Livia
gets out of makeup purse the size of a brick and sets to work
with brushes, pencils and tweezers. If this is a
reincarnation deal, please Angel don't send me back as a woman.
The cubicle door is a tad open. So I peek at Jeannette sitting
on the toilet.
I bet Lucy and makes a move on Ruby tonight, says Olivia
really, says Jeanette pulling off a long piece of toilet paper
and leaning forward. I stepped back some things even I don't
want to see.
Lucien has always had the hots for Ruby. She continues, but he
knew he didn't have a chance before. Because she was in love
with Griffin,
I suppose,
says Olivia. What the Ruby my best friend since he or five was
in love with me. She should have said something to him, says
Olivia.
Just goes to show. Life's too short to hang about.
Back in the bar. I watch in horror as Lucien sits down next
to Ruby. Angel hovers at my shoulder. So now you know.
She says How does it feel?
Like I died again. Here's the Griff says Lucien raising his
glass departed this world too soon. Ruby has managed to stay
staunch all day, but now she breaks down completely. Lucien
wraps his arms around her a Python embracing a deer. Can't
we stop him?
I say she has to make her own decisions,
says Angel. Get away from her a shout in Lucien Xia. He doesn't
react but Ruby's brown creases. She definitely heard something.
I go over to Tom slumped at the bar. Ruby needs your help get
up. He looks around, rubs his ear and flops back.
Okay, I've seen enough time to take this to the committee
says Angel. We can't go yet Ruby's about to be devoured.
We have a deadline here. A dead line a bit longer. You know not
following protocol will go against you. And with the lying,
laziness, lack of responsibility,
I'll take my chances after a tussle over the credit card with
dad. Mum orders cappuccino for everyone. My favorite drink? Is
their cappuccino upstairs. I ask an angel. She snorts
would it be heaven without?
By now, Lucien has his hand on Ruby's arm. Get off her. I
shout, but he doesn't blink. What can I do? Except it?
It's not your worry. Apart from that, well, with training, you
could make a small breeze. It's not
much but Okay, show me how she tells me I have to picture a
golden tunnel between myself and the person I want to contact and
fill it with love. Sounds a bit like bovine excrement to me but
what the hell? I tried transmitting to Tom, the love
things that are embarrassing. He feels something waves his hand
around as if showing a fly but doesn't budge.
You know, Griffin is probably interviewing the serial killer
in the plot next to him right now for
the heavenly times. Lucien says edging closer to Ruby. That guy
had great journalistic instincts. He had no respect for
my writing. I say he'll say anything to get what he wants.
And you wouldn't, says Angel. No, don't like this. No. Not
taking advantage while I went down. Angel raises an eyebrow
unconvinced. How are you getting home? Says Lucien. We could
share a cab. I'll stay with you tonight. If it'll help. Nora.
The whole room rumbles everyone looks around.
Okay. Time's up.
Just a bit longer.
None of this is your concern anymore, Griffin. Let it go.
I can't. She throws her hands up. It's your funeral. If she
thinks I can walk away, turn my back on a friend in trouble. She
doesn't know me that. Well. I may be a bit murky but more than
a bit and take things too far. Sometimes, most of the time, but
I'm not like Lucien. Some things I would never do. I really hope
Ruby and Tom know that about me, as I know the best and worst
about them. And then I have it. Of course, I know Ruby has
strengths and weaknesses. One of which is that she's ticklish,
especially on the back of her neck. I stand behind her picture
a tunnel and fill it with love. It's easy because I have so much
for her. She's the first person I call when things go well or
spectacularly bad in my life. She's a worst cook than me. And
that's saying something. And the bravest person I know. Though
she hates the sight of blood and once fainted when I showed her
some crime scene photos. She beats me in every category of
Trivial Pursuit. Except Game of Thrones. No one I dated has ever
come close. Why didn't I see it before? I have so much breeze to
give, but I hold it until just the right moment as she picks up
her coffee, then release it in a slow steady stream. The golden
hair on the back of her neck wavers than ripples. She giggles
wildly and jerks and spills a hot coffee into loosens lap.
Fuck he says jumping up sorry, says Ruby flapping a serviette
at his groin.
waving back.
Keep the language down might says Tom coming over. This is
not the time or place. As Lucene heads to the bathroom to blow
dry his scorched crotch. Tom takes his seat. Hey, Ruby. They
smile at each other. They've known one another for a long
time. But this is a new look. A spark perhaps
for a while Griffin says Tom will miss you mate.
He and Ruby clink mugs. And I'll miss you. All of you. I say. But
especially you Ruby. Ruby puts your mug down and looks right at
me.
Griffin is that you? She can see me.
I reach out for her but Angel slaps my arms back and shakes
her head. Let me say one thing
I ask. No. Please, just I love you know,
Ruby stares at the spot where I was blinks and rubs her eyes.
I could have sworn I saw him standing right there. In his
blue board shorts.
Tom looks around.
It probably is here. He says have never known him to miss a
drinking session. Griff if you're listening. Do you still
owe me 50 bucks May a hole Ask your dad for Gela.
As Angel and I exit the bar, we're no longer in my local
suburb. But on a road so wide. Its dazzling. Whoa, give a bloke
some warning. I say holding my hand up against the glare. Do
they have sunglasses in heaven and cleavage? I'll pretend I
didn't hear that. Angel leads me uphill towards a mass of fluffy
white clouds. Where are we going? Then? I asked her. She
turns to me with a smile that is anything but angelic.
Wouldn't you like to know
Putting the story together was a lot of fun. Be sure and check
out the links in the show notes to see what else there cast an
author have been up to. Me This bothers me just media
production. All rights reserved unless otherwise specified. Our
music comes to us from odds bright. You can hear more of
their work at odds bright.com Have a good one, folks, and
we'll see you next time.