1 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:10,829 Hello and welcome to meters pod Episode Seven. I'm your host D 2 00:00:10,829 --> 00:00:14,009 meet us. Before we get started on this episode, I want to 3 00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:17,789 welcome our new Senior Producer Jay Wolf and producer Andy 4 00:00:17,789 --> 00:00:21,599 Holman. J. Wolf is a speculative fiction author and submissions 5 00:00:21,599 --> 00:00:25,409 editor at Uncanny Magazine and general podcasting enthusiast, 6 00:00:25,889 --> 00:00:30,809 find her on Twitter at JX. Wolf, that's J y. I'll tell you more 7 00:00:30,809 --> 00:00:34,409 about Andy in a little bit. I'd like to thank you both profusely 8 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:37,229 for supporting the show monetarily. Like I said, in the 9 00:00:37,229 --> 00:00:40,139 last episode, every penny helps and I'm looking into producing 10 00:00:40,139 --> 00:00:42,929 some extra content that we released exclusively for our 11 00:00:42,929 --> 00:00:45,929 monthly supporters. If anyone else would like to help us out, 12 00:00:46,019 --> 00:00:48,539 you can visit me this pod.com and click the donation link at 13 00:00:48,539 --> 00:00:52,169 the top of the page. Now on to our story for the week. Douglas 14 00:00:52,199 --> 00:00:56,369 Nikki, administrative assistant, written by our very own producer 15 00:00:56,399 --> 00:00:59,669 Andy Holman, and he lives in Philadelphia and an apartment 16 00:00:59,669 --> 00:01:01,829 that he shares with his girlfriend and their pet tree. 17 00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:05,009 He works in an office by day and this will be his first published 18 00:01:05,009 --> 00:01:08,729 work outside of a student publications. He blogs at whole 19 00:01:08,729 --> 00:01:13,349 story.blogspot.com. his Twitter handle is at the whole story. 20 00:01:13,829 --> 00:01:16,289 And some of his online videos can be found on YouTube by 21 00:01:16,289 --> 00:01:20,249 searching for West villeins. Or you can just check our show 22 00:01:20,249 --> 00:01:23,999 notes for this episode. I have everything linked up there. The 23 00:01:23,999 --> 00:01:27,869 story is read to us by Brian Rollins. Brian is a voice actor 24 00:01:27,869 --> 00:01:30,749 living in Denver, Colorado with his wife, two kids and a Great 25 00:01:30,749 --> 00:01:34,139 Dane that thinks she's a lapdog. We're not narrating audiobooks, 26 00:01:34,169 --> 00:01:37,139 he's on stage or chipping away at that steampunk novel that 27 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:40,379 lives in the back of his brain and won't go away. He also 28 00:01:40,379 --> 00:01:44,309 writes reviews for the Sci Fi website, bureau 42, and blogs at 29 00:01:44,339 --> 00:01:47,909 the voices in my head.com. If you're in the Denver area, you 30 00:01:47,909 --> 00:01:51,149 can see Bryan on stage this march with the magic moments 31 00:01:51,149 --> 00:01:55,889 production of a dark and stormy night, which he co wrote. magic 32 00:01:55,889 --> 00:01:58,919 moments Incorporated is a nonprofit organization 33 00:01:58,949 --> 00:02:02,099 established in 1983 that produces annual musical and 34 00:02:02,099 --> 00:02:05,279 theatrical productions. Each production integrates persons 35 00:02:05,279 --> 00:02:08,279 with physical and developmental disabilities into a total 36 00:02:08,279 --> 00:02:12,179 performing cast of amateurs and professionals. The mix is truly 37 00:02:12,179 --> 00:02:16,799 magical for everyone involved, cast staff and the audience. You 38 00:02:16,799 --> 00:02:20,519 can find out more at magic moments inc.org. All of those 39 00:02:20,519 --> 00:02:23,429 links can be found in the show notes. Without further ado, 40 00:02:23,849 --> 00:02:24,719 here's our story. 41 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:32,490 Doug Lipnicki, administrative assistant written by Andy 42 00:02:32,490 --> 00:02:40,410 Holman, read by Brian Rollins. Some people, especially people 43 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:44,730 who work in offices, live by routine. In the morning, they 44 00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:48,300 wake up at night, they go to sleep in the middle, they go to 45 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:52,560 boring jobs. Maybe they even get the chance to look out a window 46 00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:56,280 and see natural light at some point during the day. It's not 47 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:01,110 perfect, but it pays the bills. Right. Now it used to be me, 48 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,970 wake up, go to work, sleep, repeat. But these days, my job's 49 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:09,660 about as far from boring as you can get. My name is Doug 50 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:13,500 Lipnicki. And I'm an administrative assistant. This 51 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:19,440 is the story of why my boss lets me wear jeans to work. I should 52 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,280 clarify that. When I say I'm an administrative assistant, I 53 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,150 pretty much mean that I'm a male clerk. But by calling me an 54 00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:31,380 assistant, they get to also include other duties as assigned 55 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,340 to my job description. I don't have a fancy job where he talked 56 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:39,270 to clients or anything. But as my story begins, I was wearing a 57 00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:43,740 tie anyway. Not only did company policy say that I had to wear 58 00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:48,390 one. But my boss Frank had particularly strong feelings on 59 00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:51,690 the matter. When I asked him about relaxing the dress code 60 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:55,800 shortly after I started, his response was mail being 61 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,770 delivered in jeans would be an affront to the integrity of the 62 00:03:58,770 --> 00:04:02,610 position. Would you trust mail being delivered to your home by 63 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:06,780 a man wearing jeans? It would be like getting a diagnosis from a 64 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:10,890 doctor wearing a clown wig. It was then that I knew that I 65 00:04:10,890 --> 00:04:15,420 would never have any respect for Frank. Anyway, when I got to 66 00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:19,080 work on the day in question, Frank was out of the office. I 67 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,540 think he was in his boss's office getting chewed out, 68 00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:25,860 presumably due to his poor managerial style, failure to 69 00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:30,390 earn the respect of his employees if I had to guess. So 70 00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:33,810 I tried to make good use of my time. I turned on my computer, 71 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:37,470 hoping I can actually get some work done before he returned and 72 00:04:37,470 --> 00:04:41,190 resumed his mismanagement. I also switched on the radio, 73 00:04:41,430 --> 00:04:44,760 relishing any opportunity to hear something at work other 74 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,870 than his aggravated mutterings and raspy breathing. I was just 75 00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:52,650 catching up on that morning's emails. When Frank stormed into 76 00:04:52,650 --> 00:04:57,000 the office. He brought with him his usual aroma of coffee and 77 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,260 stale cigarette smoke. He was rhetoric sweaty er than usual. 78 00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:04,560 And he stared at me like a man who just gotten yelled at by his 79 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,550 boss and wanted to take it out on his assistant. I hastily 80 00:05:08,550 --> 00:05:12,480 reached over and turn the radio off, cutting off the newscasters 81 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:17,280 report about something going on at the labs downtown. Morning, 82 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:21,360 Frank, I said as gently as I could. I felt my mouth 83 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,780 reflexively creep into the plastic vacant. But 84 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:28,770 theoretically placating smile that I long ago started adopting 85 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,190 when dealing with Frank. I think I read somewhere that you can 86 00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:35,730 get along with your boss more easily. If you don't treat him 87 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:40,230 like some kind of robot or alien powered by hatred, listening to 88 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:44,640 the radio Lipnicki. After a moment's hesitation, I began, 89 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:49,740 no, which was technically true. I mean, he'd seen me turn off 90 00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:52,800 the radio and everything, but he interrupted me with a slam of 91 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:56,220 his hand onto my desk. He pointed out a large bin of 92 00:05:56,220 --> 00:06:00,480 envelopes. The mail is not going to deliver itself. he stomped 93 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:06,060 into his office. So I sorted the mail, put it in a cart, and took 94 00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:09,660 it to each of our offices. This was one of the better parts of 95 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:14,280 the day. Most of the other duties as assigned in my job 96 00:06:14,310 --> 00:06:18,150 involves interacting with Frank delivering the mail didn't. 97 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:22,920 It also gave me a chance to talk to Jamie, a cute gal on the 98 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,450 ninth floor. Speedy Delivery. I said, checking her a bundle of 99 00:06:27,450 --> 00:06:32,040 mail. Speedy she checked her watch. Wasn't this stuff 100 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:36,600 supposed to be delivered like half an hour ago? You can't rush 101 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:40,920 a job well done. I said. She made a face that might have 102 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:45,060 suggested to a less confident person, that she disagreed that 103 00:06:45,090 --> 00:06:49,470 I'd done this job well, or perhaps done any job well, ever. 104 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,980 Ignoring the sudden and unrelated tightening in my 105 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:57,090 throat. I decided to exit gracefully, offering a quiet but 106 00:06:57,090 --> 00:07:03,270 dignified. Well take it easy. Wheat, she called as I turned 107 00:07:03,270 --> 00:07:06,900 away, a hint of anxiety in her voice. Have you been listening 108 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:11,580 to the radio? The randomness of the question juxtaposed with the 109 00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:15,330 worried tone and Jamie's voice caught me off guard. I inhaled 110 00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:19,650 sharply catching a whiff of her perfume. It smelled faintly of 111 00:07:19,650 --> 00:07:23,520 apples. I turned back around attempting to convey 112 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:30,330 nonchalance, please, with Frank on my back. Why? What's up? I 113 00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:34,680 don't know. She replied, shaking your head. Just some weird stuff 114 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,740 on the news. They were saying that the site is downtown. 115 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:42,660 Accessed some kind of portal or something? Oh, yeah, I heard 116 00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:45,870 some of that. I think it's a Halloween prank or something. 117 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:51,930 She found Halloween isn't for another week. I shrugged. Don't 118 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:56,250 ask me. Some people have six senses of humor. She didn't look 119 00:07:56,250 --> 00:08:00,120 satisfied. And I couldn't leave her looking like that. If I had 120 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,090 a motto, it would have been something to do with never 121 00:08:03,090 --> 00:08:08,100 leaving a woman unsatisfied. So I added, besides, if anything 122 00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:13,320 goes down, I got your back. She cracked a lopsided grin. I'll 123 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,420 hold you to that. I adopted a thoughtful pose. You know, now 124 00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:21,690 that I think about it. That happens to be why the mail was 125 00:08:21,690 --> 00:08:27,060 late. Oh, really? See, I was detained this morning by the 126 00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:31,050 creepy kid who lives upstairs for me. He stopped me to warn me 127 00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:36,060 that a portal to Hell open today. I do the words out like a 128 00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:40,170 cartoon ghost. She rolled her eyes but I went on. Now they 129 00:08:40,170 --> 00:08:43,980 think about it. An old hotel. groundskeeper tried to warn me 130 00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:48,330 about this last week actually. She finally laughed. And I could 131 00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:54,060 feel my pulse Quicken. See you Doug. And that my friends, is 132 00:08:54,060 --> 00:08:57,720 how you slow motion. Whoo. A lady that Doug Lipnicki way. 133 00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:02,340 When I got back to my office, Frank got on my case about 134 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:06,330 taking too long with a male again. Just as he was about to 135 00:09:06,330 --> 00:09:09,750 get to the if you keep showing me you don't want to work here. 136 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,990 Then you can find yourself another job. Part of his speech. 137 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:18,030 The fire alarm went off. This isn't over. He said. Look up 138 00:09:18,030 --> 00:09:21,930 your desk. Let's go. Frank headed for the sweet door while 139 00:09:21,930 --> 00:09:25,980 I began locking up my desk. I wasn't finished before I heard a 140 00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:30,540 blood curdling scream. I ran to see what it was only to see 141 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:34,470 Frank running toward me. I started to ask what was wrong, 142 00:09:34,650 --> 00:09:39,570 wondering if he finally snapped when I saw it. Breaking through 143 00:09:39,570 --> 00:09:43,860 the glass of our sweet door was a monster. I'm not seeing that 144 00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:48,810 lightly. Picture the alien from alien and cross it with an ape 145 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:53,880 and a bull. And also some Robocop in there. Somehow. Frank 146 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:58,650 and I rushed into his office and shut the door. What the hell was 147 00:09:58,650 --> 00:10:02,640 that? I guess Between ragged breaths, I could hear the thing 148 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,480 starting to tear up our suite. It sounded like it was flipping 149 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,410 my desk upside down. If that was true, it wasn't going to have 150 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,500 much trouble getting through the door to Frank's office. What are 151 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:18,420 we going to do? Surprisingly, Frank actually had a plan. It 152 00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:21,930 was a bad plan, but it was still more than I expected. 153 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:25,919 I'm gonna call 911. You're gonna go out there and buy us some 154 00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:26,489 time. 155 00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:31,469 I felt my cheeks get hot. It may already be apparent that I never 156 00:10:31,469 --> 00:10:35,129 liked Frank very much. But at that moment, any resigned 157 00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:39,299 disaffection I had for Frank was replaced with a hot seething 158 00:10:39,329 --> 00:10:44,429 fury. It was stronger than any emotion I'd ever had before. 159 00:10:44,849 --> 00:10:48,269 Stronger than the pride I'd had when I got my first job. 160 00:10:48,539 --> 00:10:51,569 Stronger than the disappointment I'd felt when my family moved 161 00:10:51,569 --> 00:10:55,019 across the country away from all my friends when I was 12. I 162 00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:59,129 wanted to stab Frank to death using icicles made from Frozen 163 00:10:59,129 --> 00:11:04,049 shit. Unfortunately, I was too angry to articulate any of this 164 00:11:04,049 --> 00:11:09,299 at the time was the best I could come up with. Frank placed a 165 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:13,529 pair of scissors in my hand and shoved me out the door. I 166 00:11:13,529 --> 00:11:16,169 stumbled out of his office screaming. 167 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,660 I think my intention was to scare and surprise it, but 168 00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:25,500 neither happened before I'd taken a few steps. The thing 169 00:11:25,530 --> 00:11:30,240 back handed me my body slammed into a wall, the wind knocked 170 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,110 out of me a crumpled to the floor. I struggled to breathe 171 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,080 and tried to come up with a new plan, but was none too pleased 172 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,380 to see that I dropped the scissors. I frantically started 173 00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:43,920 to look around for them. When the monster approached me. Each 174 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:48,180 of its many claws clicking on the floor as it neared, a long 175 00:11:48,180 --> 00:11:51,840 tongue hung from its mouth dripping with saliva. I was 176 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,350 pretty sure it wasn't going to lick me and tried to be friends. 177 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,940 I spotted the scissors and tried to lunge for them. But it swung 178 00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:03,390 at me again, sending the spiraling headfirst into our 179 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:07,530 small paper shredder. For a moment, everything seemed to go 180 00:12:07,530 --> 00:12:10,800 purple, and the only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat. 181 00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:14,970 After a moment, things seemed to mostly settle down and I could 182 00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:19,200 hear again. Unfortunately, this returned a sensation brought 183 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,770 with it pain throughout my entire body. And when I tried to 184 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:26,670 stand up, the best I could manage was to pull myself up 185 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:31,140 into a slump against the shredder. But by now the monster 186 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:35,640 was practically on top of me. It smell was a noxious cloud that 187 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,240 made me miss Frank's Coffee and Cigarettes, a mixture of rotting 188 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:43,800 milk and body odor, as well as surprisingly, the scent of dryer 189 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:48,690 sheets. And I almost gagged despite everything else. For a 190 00:12:48,690 --> 00:12:51,630 moment, the only thing I could think of was how much I didn't 191 00:12:51,630 --> 00:12:55,890 want to throw up. Thankfully the moment passed, but through 192 00:12:55,890 --> 00:12:59,490 double vision, I could see the creatures mouth opening and I 193 00:12:59,490 --> 00:13:03,930 knew it was about to strike. In desperation, I reached behind me 194 00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:06,510 and picked up the paper shredder, hoping to shield 195 00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:10,680 myself with it. I closed my eyes expecting to meet my end. 196 00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:15,540 Instead, I felt the creature ran into the paper shredder and 197 00:13:15,540 --> 00:13:19,530 heard it shriek I opened my eyes and saw that it somehow gotten 198 00:13:19,530 --> 00:13:23,130 its tongue caught in the paper feeder. It flailed back and 199 00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:26,340 forth as the shredder began eating its tongue, totally 200 00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:30,210 forgetting about me, as desperately tried to dislodge 201 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:34,140 itself. I crawled over to the scissors. I picked them up and 202 00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:38,370 stood unsteadily. I had no idea what the most vulnerable part of 203 00:13:38,370 --> 00:13:42,750 the creature was. But I did know that it could free itself at any 204 00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:46,800 moment and finish me off with a primal scream. I stabbed the 205 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,340 scissors into what looked like it's gut. It's thrashing 206 00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:54,900 increased, so I knew I was at least inflicting some pain. I 207 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:58,680 withdrew the scissors and stabbed again. And this time, a 208 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:03,030 blackish purple liquid sprayed everywhere. The monster 209 00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:07,950 collapsed but kept struggling so I kept stabbing it. The 210 00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:11,340 sculpting sound and sensation made by the scissors going in 211 00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:15,150 and out of the monster started to make me queasy again. But I 212 00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:18,960 found myself experiencing a mixture of other emotions too. 213 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:23,550 Part of me was proud. I was killing a frickin monster. Part 214 00:14:23,550 --> 00:14:26,820 of me wanted to cry, because my first response to a mysterious 215 00:14:26,820 --> 00:14:31,170 creature was to kill it. And part of me was crying because 216 00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:35,040 the monsters viscera kept getting in my eyes. Eventually 217 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,790 it stopped twitching. I dropped the scissors and staggered over 218 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:45,000 to Frank's door. Frank, I quote let me in. He slowly opened the 219 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,570 door. He looked kind of relieved though I'm fairly sure it had 220 00:14:48,570 --> 00:14:52,140 little to do with my own survival. I don't believe it. He 221 00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:56,430 whispered, wiping some sweat off his red brow. He quickly got a 222 00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:59,550 hold of himself and began filling me in. We're all 223 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,400 supposed to Get to the 10th floor and hold up there till the 224 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,580 police clear the building. They've got food up there to 225 00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:10,020 last a day, maybe two. At that moment, eating was the last 226 00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:14,640 thing on my mind. But the idea made sense. On the 10th floor, 227 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,640 they seem to celebrate three birthdays a week. In all 228 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,000 likelihood, there was a fruit basket and leftovers from at 229 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:25,140 least two cakes up there. We set out armed with whatever we could 230 00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:29,280 find in the office that might come in handy. I had scissors, 231 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:33,510 letter openers, a staple gun, some extension cords, a roll of 232 00:15:33,510 --> 00:15:37,110 duct tape, and the kind of confidence that only comes from 233 00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:41,940 having just killed a freaking monster. We move slowly through 234 00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:45,390 the seventh floor and then the eighth informing as many of our 235 00:15:45,390 --> 00:15:48,960 co workers as we could. We got to the ninth floor and got ready 236 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,310 to repeat the process. 237 00:15:51,629 --> 00:15:55,139 The office is reimbursing me for these khakis by the way, I said 238 00:15:55,139 --> 00:15:58,109 as I peeked through a small glass window as we done one 239 00:15:58,109 --> 00:16:01,949 floor below the coast look clear. Frank's reply was 240 00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:05,879 predictable. The hell we are looking at Missy they got when I 241 00:16:05,879 --> 00:16:09,929 was fighting that monster saving your life. I saw him reading 242 00:16:09,959 --> 00:16:13,289 when some of our co workers nodded approvingly. You think a 243 00:16:13,289 --> 00:16:16,469 dry cleaner is going to be able to get a monstrous guts out of 244 00:16:16,469 --> 00:16:20,729 khakis. Now, if these were jeans, I probably wouldn't care. 245 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:24,539 But Frank muttered something unintelligible as they slowly 246 00:16:24,569 --> 00:16:27,989 opened the door and stuck my head out into the hallway. I 247 00:16:27,989 --> 00:16:31,469 couldn't see anything. But I heard the same telltale clacking 248 00:16:31,469 --> 00:16:35,039 of claws against the tile floor. I leaned back into the 249 00:16:35,039 --> 00:16:39,629 stairwell. Sounds like there's one out there. I said. We looked 250 00:16:39,629 --> 00:16:43,439 amongst each other uncertainly for a moment. We've got to keep 251 00:16:43,439 --> 00:16:47,759 moving, said Leonard from accounting. There's nothing we 252 00:16:47,759 --> 00:16:50,969 can do for any poor soul who's still on this floor, added 253 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:55,139 market from research. I looked around. None of them would look 254 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:59,459 me in the eye. Look, kid, Frank said, putting a damp hand on my 255 00:16:59,459 --> 00:17:02,879 shoulder. He actually sounded really earnest. And for a 256 00:17:02,879 --> 00:17:06,029 moment, I was afraid he was going to try to have a heart to 257 00:17:06,029 --> 00:17:09,989 heart with me. Maybe something like the reason I've been so 258 00:17:09,989 --> 00:17:12,749 hard on you is that I know you've got it in you to be the 259 00:17:12,749 --> 00:17:16,469 best damn mailroom manager in Philadelphia someday, if only 260 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:20,069 you would finally live up to your potential and then call me 261 00:17:20,099 --> 00:17:24,779 son or something. Instead, he said, we all feel really guilty 262 00:17:24,779 --> 00:17:28,109 about this. But there's nothing we can do for them. We've got to 263 00:17:28,109 --> 00:17:33,629 keep moving. I side. I guess I can't say I blame you gotta look 264 00:17:33,629 --> 00:17:38,039 out for number one, right? Frank's face got redder. But I 265 00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:41,099 made a promise and I'm going to keep it. I turned around and 266 00:17:41,099 --> 00:17:45,629 grabbed the doorknob. I had a plan. The first thing I did was 267 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:49,529 grab the axe out of the fire safety box. I trolled the floor 268 00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:53,009 for a few minutes until I heard the monster nearby. Then I 269 00:17:53,009 --> 00:17:56,729 ducked into an office and close the door. For good measure. I 270 00:17:56,729 --> 00:17:59,879 pushed a bookcase in front of it. I grabbed the phone and 271 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:03,809 started calling the offices that I hadn't checked. Maybe I get 272 00:18:03,809 --> 00:18:07,319 lucky and everyone had already made it to safety. At this 273 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,529 point, it occurred to me that we could have saved ourselves a lot 274 00:18:10,529 --> 00:18:13,649 of trouble if we called our co workers in the first place, 275 00:18:13,829 --> 00:18:17,069 rather than wandering around to tell them all in person. I 276 00:18:17,069 --> 00:18:21,029 figured I could blame this one on Frank. Only one person 277 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:24,329 answered the phone. It was the last call I made. I must have 278 00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:27,359 put it off because I'd been dreading it the most. There was 279 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:31,979 Jamie. As the phone rang, I felt my heart racing. What would it 280 00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:35,789 mean if she didn't answer and she made it out safely? Or had 281 00:18:35,789 --> 00:18:39,869 the monster gardener with each ring? I found myself starting to 282 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:43,859 fear the ladder more and more. Just when I couldn't take it 283 00:18:43,859 --> 00:18:47,399 anymore. The phone stopped ringing. I bit my lip expecting 284 00:18:47,399 --> 00:18:50,039 to hear Jamie's voicemail greeting and knowing it would be 285 00:18:50,039 --> 00:18:53,489 the last time I'd hear her voice. Except it wasn't her 286 00:18:53,489 --> 00:18:59,249 voicemail. It was a very quiet whisper. Hello. I let out of 287 00:18:59,249 --> 00:19:03,149 breath. I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Jamie it's Doug. 288 00:19:03,269 --> 00:19:08,399 Are you okay? Talk? Oh god, you're alive. I had expected her 289 00:19:08,399 --> 00:19:12,299 to sound scared. But she sounded really scared like pee your 290 00:19:12,299 --> 00:19:16,229 pants scared. It made me wonder if she actually had peed 291 00:19:16,229 --> 00:19:19,349 herself. It would make my valiant rescue a lot more 292 00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:25,529 smelly. Jamie calm down. Are you alright? The unspoken question 293 00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:31,019 lingered in the air. Did you pee your pants? I'm I'm okay. I 294 00:19:31,019 --> 00:19:35,759 guess everyone else made it upstairs I think but I can hear 295 00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:38,909 the thing right outside my office. I think it heard the 296 00:19:38,909 --> 00:19:44,759 phone ringing shit. After a moment. I took a deep breath in 297 00:19:44,759 --> 00:19:48,479 steeled myself. Stay where you are. I'm coming to get you. 298 00:19:48,779 --> 00:19:52,769 What? Are you crazy? You're gonna get yourself killed. 299 00:19:53,789 --> 00:19:56,999 Despite the verge of hysteria tone in her voice. I couldn't 300 00:19:56,999 --> 00:19:59,849 help but smile at the thought she actually cared about my well 301 00:19:59,849 --> 00:20:04,709 being Hey, every cloud has a silver lining, right? I did my 302 00:20:04,709 --> 00:20:08,459 best to project an air of confidence. Just stay put and 303 00:20:08,459 --> 00:20:13,259 relax. No, this is insane. I can't let you do this. You have 304 00:20:13,259 --> 00:20:18,959 to Jamie, I love you. I heard a soft gasp on the other end of 305 00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:22,439 the phone. But other than that there was no immediate comeback 306 00:20:22,439 --> 00:20:27,179 for that one. Score one for Doug. After a moment, she said, 307 00:20:27,569 --> 00:20:31,619 really? I wasn't prepared for this particular follow up. 308 00:20:33,810 --> 00:20:37,680 I'm not sure. A note of accusations jumped into your 309 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,890 voice. I can't believe you'd say something like that so 310 00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:46,770 cavalierly. What if you died? Well, I carry the guilt with me 311 00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:49,800 for the rest of my life, knowing that the man who loved me died 312 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,640 protecting me. Do you really want me to go through that? Why 313 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:59,310 would you do that to me? If I die protecting you, I'm not so 314 00:20:59,310 --> 00:21:02,370 sure how long you'd have to worry about living with the 315 00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:07,440 guilt, I thought, but I kept that to myself. Look, I wasn't 316 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,380 thinking about that. I was just hoping, I guess that if I 317 00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:14,640 survived, you'd go out with me when this was all done. Her tone 318 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:19,200 softened. That's actually kind of sweet in a very weird way. 319 00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:24,330 But I guess that just might be the circumstances. A right. 320 00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:29,430 Thanks. She hadn't actually said yes to going out with me. But 321 00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:32,490 this didn't seem like the right moment to seek clarification. 322 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,760 When the pause threatened to become as large and frightening 323 00:21:35,850 --> 00:21:39,780 as the monsters we were facing off against, I blurted okay, I 324 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:44,490 guess I'll just hang up now. Yeah, see you soon. Good luck, 325 00:21:44,730 --> 00:21:48,780 she said and then hung up. I took a few deep breaths and 326 00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:52,650 stretched. I'd hoped to sound calm and confident by saying See 327 00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:56,160 you soon. But the more I thought about it, the more stupid and 328 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:00,390 foolhardy it sounded. Oh, well, she wouldn't be thinking about 329 00:22:00,390 --> 00:22:04,320 that when I showed up to rescue her. I put everything I'd 330 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,500 learned in my first fight with one of these things to use when 331 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:11,040 I found one outside Jamie's office. I also learned some new 332 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:15,240 things. For example, if you're about to fight a giant monster, 333 00:22:15,420 --> 00:22:18,270 don't waste your strength. Moving a bookcase back and 334 00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:21,960 forth. My muscles were aching before the fight even began. 335 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,460 Still, the creature strength claws and repellent stitch were 336 00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:29,760 no match for my intellect Righteous Fury and stainless 337 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,900 steel fire axe. Plus at one point, it tripped over a phone 338 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:39,330 cord. You should try a cordless in Hell is what I would later 339 00:22:39,330 --> 00:22:43,470 wish to have said while dealing the final blow. I wasn't a 340 00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:46,830 pretty sight when Jamie opened her office door for me. I had a 341 00:22:46,830 --> 00:22:50,610 gash on my forehead which stung like hell and bloodied up the 342 00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:54,270 rest of my face. And one of my eyes was just about swollen shut 343 00:22:54,690 --> 00:22:58,380 might tie in most of my shirt were gone. And one leg of my 344 00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:01,950 pants was torn off at the knee. My breaths came in ragging 345 00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:06,300 Holton gasps and I had to lean against the wall to stay 346 00:23:06,330 --> 00:23:10,860 upright. Still, she looked at me like I was an angel descended 347 00:23:10,860 --> 00:23:14,850 from heaven. here alive. She hugged me with all her might. 348 00:23:14,970 --> 00:23:18,510 And a flash of searing fain confirmed my suspicion that I 349 00:23:18,510 --> 00:23:22,530 dislocated my shoulder. As I hugged her back to the best of 350 00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:27,480 my ability. I gave a tentative sniff. No pee. Either that or 351 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,240 there was too much blood in my nose for me to smell anything. 352 00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:34,500 She helped prop me up as we made our way to the stairwell. I 353 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:37,860 can't believe you actually did this for me. She laughed 354 00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:41,250 nervously and looked down. I could hardly believe it myself. 355 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,400 But a guy will do plenty of stupid things to impress a girl. 356 00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:51,450 She looked at me askance. Sorry, I think I have a concussion. The 357 00:23:51,450 --> 00:23:55,050 scientist never did quite figure out how to shut that portal to 358 00:23:55,050 --> 00:23:59,730 hell or wherever. Until they do or until a diplomatic solution 359 00:23:59,730 --> 00:24:04,170 is found. West Philly will be infested with monsters. Everyone 360 00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:07,290 got used to it pretty quickly. Actually, police officers 361 00:24:07,290 --> 00:24:10,320 started wearing additional body armor and packing extra heat. 362 00:24:10,620 --> 00:24:13,650 And every business has one or more of its employees trained in 363 00:24:13,650 --> 00:24:16,920 the termination of monsters at my job. It was the 364 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:21,630 administrative assistants other duties as assigned, remember, 365 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,920 and that's why Frank lets me wear jeans to work. Accounting 366 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,320 did end up approving reimbursement for clothing 367 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,230 damaged while fighting the monsters. And after the fifth 368 00:24:31,230 --> 00:24:34,950 destroyed pair of khakis. He finally relented, which was 369 00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:39,180 almost a suite of victories killing a giant monster. I guess 370 00:24:39,180 --> 00:24:42,360 I was lying about my life not being routine anymore, though. 371 00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:45,660 I'm still doing the office every morning by nine pay. It's 372 00:24:45,660 --> 00:24:49,650 corporate America. Some things never change. I'd also like to 373 00:24:49,650 --> 00:24:53,520 pass on one piece of advice. If you're ever planning on rescuing 374 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,160 someone just for the sake of going out with them. Think 375 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,820 twice. Sometimes that person might already have a boyfriend 376 00:25:00,210 --> 00:25:03,810 But won't decide to tell you until after you've rescued them. 377 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:05,280 Just saying 378 00:25:10,980 --> 00:25:14,070 a theme music comes to us courtesy of odd Sprite. You can 379 00:25:14,070 --> 00:25:16,890 check out more of their work at odd sprite.com linked in the 380 00:25:16,890 --> 00:25:19,740 show notes. Me this pod is released under a Creative 381 00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:22,290 Commons Attribution non commercial, no derivatives 382 00:25:22,290 --> 00:25:25,380 license, share it all you like just don't change it or sell it. 383 00:25:26,130 --> 00:25:28,350 Thanks for listening folks. We'll see you next time.