Hello and welcome to meters pod Episode Five. I've got some
exciting news. We are now featured on Stitcher Radio. We
have also received our very first monetary donation. I'd
like to thank Andy Holman for his donation. Andy every penny
helps and I certainly appreciate you helping us keep the show
going. And he has also submitted a work that will be featured on
an upcoming episode. And now a word from our sponsors. Just
kidding. I don't like ad supported podcasts. And I want
to keep this one ad free forever. So swing by meters
pod.com and click the donation link for ways you can help me
this pod continue functioning distraction free, just like Andy
did. I also want to mention that I was recently featured on the
comatose podcast, so if you can't get enough of my amazing
voice, you can check them out over comm pod.com link in the
show notes. I was on episode 24 explaining why I left my job and
started Mitas pod. One more thing before the story. I've
been listening to The Once and Future nerd podcast. It is
fantastic. I went back to Episode one so I can listen to
it from the very beginning. It's a serialized story with very
high production values. I'm really enjoying listening to it.
You can check it out over at once and future nerd.com Our
story for this episode coming to us from Brian K low dead guy
walking was originally published in palace of reason in 2003.
Like Bobby In the story, or maybe not. The magazine is dead
but the story lives on. Brian has had published stories and
Orson Scott Card's intergalactic medicine show, daily science
fiction, Buzzy mag and more. Check out his work The Invisible
city, a swashbuckling adventure of Earth's distant future
available now on amazon.com and swing by his blog Brian K.
low.wordpress.com, which is linked in the show notes. I'll
be narrating this story result from Billy Kingsley, Lauren
Burwell and Elijah Bob Moore. Billy Kingsley is an upcoming
voiceover artist from Middle Tennessee. He has a wide variety
and range of voices and is eager to turn his dream job of choice
acting into a reality. visit his website Billy kingsley.com Or
follow him on Twitter at Kingsley voices. Lauren Burwell
has been dabbling in voiceover and narration work over the last
two years. You can find more of Lauren borewells narration work
at her Librivox link in the show notes. Elijah Bob Moore is an
actor based out of Durham, North Carolina, who were not preparing
for the inevitable zombie apocalypse can be found at
parties trying to convince women he's actually Clark Duke. He co
runs a YouTube channel for Video Commentary called the gamer is
uncreative and can be found at youtube.com/the Gamers
uncreative I know this guy personally, and he does look
like Clark Duke. Without further ado, here's our story. dead guy
walking by Brian K Lo. Ba Bob knew he must be dead when he saw
that he hid and spilled the detergent. Anybody who just
taken a fall down the basement stairs the way he had, couldn't
possibly survive without spilling any of the Detergent
Powder fill in the plastic cup perch to top on his overflow and
laundry basket.
Therefore,
he thought with an ever more clarity of mind, Amorth be dead.
If it hadn't been for the detergent, Bobby would have
simply chalked up his survival to one of those miraculous
physical feats we sometimes accomplish in moments of dire
emergency. Like lifting a car jumping out of a burning
building despite a deathly fear of heights. Bobby thought he
remembered flying down the stairs in a running leap,
catching the edges of the steps as he hurtled down towards the
ground. But to do all that, and not spilling anything
impossible. No living human being could do that. So he must
be dead. Bobby debated with himself for a moment as to the
disposition of the laundry. He had been on his way to deposit
in the washing machine when he took his ball.
On the one hand, if I don't put it in, Lynda will kill me. On
the other hand, I'm not sure that matters anymore. Still, if
I put the laundry in the machine, I won't have to carry
it back upstairs.
Linda could do that. After all if he was dead. He should be
entitled to sack out on the couch and watch some TV. He
hummed while it loaded the clothes. He was he had to admit
handling this whole thing rather well. Linda was bent over the
sink, rinsing dishes when he got back. As usual. She paid no
attention to his comings and goings until he stood at her
elbow rocking back and forth on his heels. You want something?
She asked shortly? No, he replied offhandedly. He paused
to bring out the full drama This situation.
I just thought you ought to know that while I was taken out the
laundry, I fell down the stairs.
Did you spill my clothes?
Nope. Didn't even spill the detergent. Chief round,
wrinkling her forehead, but did not pause in her. Renson
How did you manage that?
Aren't you gonna ask if I'm all right?
How come you didn't spell any detergent?
Are you gonna ask if I'm all right? How come you
okay? Are you all right? Did you hurt yourself?
No. Good. Now I'm dead.
This time she did stop while she was doing the forehead wrinkle
and became very pronounced. You are? She muttered, really?
Looking at him for the first time in several years?
Well, oh, by I think you are. God knows you haven't looked.
This has been a long time.
Actually. Linda had been wishing hopen and finally trying to make
Bobby did for some months now. But since she was a notoriously
lousy cook anyway, Bobby had simply attribute it his
occasional indigestion to Linda's normal culinary
shortcomings.
Excuse me,
she said, wiping her hands on a rag and pushing past him. I've
got to make phone call. Then she stopped looking suspiciously
into his face.
How long are you planning to stick around here? I mean, you
don't have to go to a funeral or something.
Bobby stood biting his lip and his concentration just as he had
when he was alive. Except that now it didn't hurt. That's a
good question. He admitted.
I don't know. I always thought that when your dad somebody come
along and collect here. Maybe he's held up in traffic.
Linda frowned. It wasn't anywhere near rush hour. But
Bobby was still here. Despite the fact that with every passing
moment, she was more and more convinced that he really was
dead and out of her life forever. Nothing to do but make
the best of it. She headed for the telephone. Hey, you, Colin.
Bobby. I asked your mom. Linda shook her head without answering
him. faintly. Bobby heard the other end of the line come
alive. Hi. Linda queued into the receiver. The phone whisper
back.
It's okay. I can tell Bob is dead.
This time the phone exploded. Now I didn't kill him. Linda
reassured her. unsane confident he was an accident.
Yes, sure. He told me himself. He stayed right here.
I'll be glad to tell them myself. Bobby offered if you
don't.
Isn't it wonderful? His wife, widow now bubbled into the
phone.
Now we can get married. Well, of course. We'll have to wait while
married.
Bobby shrieked.
He can't marry him. You're married me? Will you please be
quiet?
I'm not married to you anymore. I'm a widow. You said so
yourself. Now. If you can't be quiet, go. Go rattle your chains
or something in the corner. I'm busy.
Chains.
Bobby grumbled morosely.
She wants me to rattle my chains. He wandered towards the
TV. Having gotten the damn chains, wondering if he had to
buy ammo.
Eventually, Linda called the paramedics.
Hello now mom want I need somebody to come out here and
declare my husband dad.
But when they arrived Bobby in a deep soak over Linda's
infidelity had locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come
out. They finally had to leave but not before Bobby had the
pleasure of forcing Linda to run over the neighbors to use their
bathroom. Bobby, someone knocked gently on the bathroom door.
Bobby, its father O'Donnell. Will you open the door so we can
talk?
Bobby flung the door open so fast. The priest nearly fell
into the room. Hey, in the
hell are you?
How do you do Bobby? I'm father a Donald from Our Lady of
Perpetual expiation. Your wife called me.
Really? Bobby crane his neck so that he could shout around the
priest. Since I'm one year away Catholic father O'Donnell laid a
hand on Bobby shoulder just the way they had taught him at
seminary.
Linda asked me to come here to give you the last rites.
A little late for that. The Godfather jerked
his hand away as Bob is suddenly came a little too hot to handle.
Oh, I see. Please excuse me for a moment.
After a few moments, Bobby followed him down the hall to
the living room, where Linda stood with a double arm full of
Windows Vista software. The soft murmur the priest voice was
followed by the clear and familiar trumpeting his wife
and exorcism aren't those expansive
well that way In for an answer she dumped the software into the
fireplace and then returned to the den for more.
Why don't we just bury him? But we can't do that. Oh yes we can
we stick him in a cardboard box and drop into the ground happens
every day cardboard. Hey,
Anna lying down anywhere Linda turn to notice him for the first
time and why not? Because I'm not sleepy.
The doorbell
rang and the door flew open. Linda, you hear? Linda's face
lit up, Greg. She pushed past Bobby spinning them lack of
revolving door.
Get out of my way You idiot. I want to see the man I love
the newcomer six foot three blonde with a Malibu tan and
sports connection biceps and velvet Linda gingerly cast and
nervous glances at his audience. Bobby sniffed. The tan was from
a salon and the hair was from a doctor. He'd seen the bills on
Greg's secretary's desk.
Hi, Bobby. You didn't come into work today? I'm dead. Yeah,
heard. Bomber.
Linda tried to draw his lips to hers but he resisted. Mostly.
You got to come in tomorrow. I get three days bereavement
leave. Let's take a trip to the mountains. Excuse me, Father
O'Donnell interrupted. Oh, Linda untwine herself and lead Greg
over by the hand.
Greg, this is Father. Oh, Donald father. This is Greg Sanger, my
fiancee. Oh, maybe you can marry Yes,
marry you. But this is your husband. I mean, your ex
husband. I mean, it's not even married yet. I told you.
Bob has sat down on the dog house and turned his face to the
sun. He'd built the dog house with a flat roof so the Sparky
could set himself there, and it felt good. He wished he'd taken
time to do it for himself once in a while. Well, he said, I
guess it's too late. Now Sparky. Spark has stretched and yawned
show in a brace a teeth and alligator would envy.
guess that depends on how you look at it, boss. I beg
your pardon, Bobby said reasonably.
But I didn't think dogs could Tao
Barkey gave him a doggy expression that equated to a
shrug at no dead guys could either. Bobby accepted the boy
it was good grace.
So I wonder what I'm supposed to do now. I'm dead. My wife left
me.
How about your job?
Well, she left me for my boss.
Ballmer. They shared a moment a companionable silence.
Sounds nice.
That's not really enough.
Sparky gave him that same look again.
It is for me. I see here all day soaking up the sun waiting for
somebody to take me for a walk. But you're always off somewhere
and the only time she notices me is when she tells me not to bark
at the mailman.
I found the mailbox was in the front yard.
It is I only bark at him when he's in the bedroom. But all she
does is close the drapes.
Really? Greg's gonna be surprised.
So like I was gonna say what kind of life did you have
anyway? Maybe now you'll get out catch some rays take me for a
walk.
Bobby scratched his doll rom a year.
Sorry. I guess I was caught up in a lot of stuff. That doesn't
really mean anything anymore.
Did it ever. Without waiting for an answer. Sparky hopped down
and trotted over to the gate. Bobby walked up to the back
door. The one Sparky was never allowed to go through on Linda's
edict and held it open. They tracked mud through the living
room. Who let that mud in here. Linda and Greg were alone.
Father O'Donnell haven't departed for his sanctuary.
Bobby ignored her question.
I just wanted to say goodbye. Sparky and I are going for a
walk.
Don't bother to come back. I'm having the locks changed.
Barbie shrugged.
Okay.
You open the front door and let spark yell.
I don't see how you can be so damn calm about all this. How do
you know you're not just gonna fall over in a minute.
So how's that different from any other day?
Sparky wagged his tail in approval.
Oh, by the way, Sparky says hi to the mailman.
What do you mean dogs can't talk?
Neither can dad guys.
He looked straight at Greg pointed his finger like a gun
and said later dude. Greg's voice trailed after them. What
did he mean about the mailman?
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